Humor

For the life of me I cannot recall where I found this. I didn’t receive in an e-mail, I keep almost everything. If are the owner of this, please let me know. I’ll give credit where credit is due.

Excerpts for a Dog’s Diary…

8:00 am – Dog food!  My favorite thing

9:30 am – A car ride!  My favorite thing

9:40 am – A walk in the park!  My favorite thing

10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted!  My favorite thing

12:00 am – Lunch!  My favorite thing

1:00 pm – Played in the yard!  My favorite thing

3:00 pm – Wagged my tail!  My favorite thing

5:00 pm – Milk bones!  My favorite thing

7:00 pm – Got to play ball!  My favorite thing

8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people!  My favorite thing

11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed!  My favorite thing

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary…

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hope this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’  I must learn what this means and to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges.  He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously an idiot.  The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…